I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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