what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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