I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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