Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
