I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
