I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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