fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
