I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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