I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
