And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
