I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
