i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
