Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
