he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
