How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
