Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
