I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
