Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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