I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Green mimosas i think yes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
