One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
