I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
