Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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