i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
