So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
