He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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