cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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