Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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