Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
