I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
