I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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