I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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