i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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