dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
