I will die if light touches me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
