Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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