a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish I only lived at night.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
