oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
