It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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