I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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