After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
