Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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