He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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