I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
