I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
