Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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