did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
