I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
