I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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