I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
