he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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