whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
