last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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