All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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