He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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