Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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