This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
