i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
