So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
