My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
