Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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