apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
