remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
