Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
